Failing

{I've debated actually posting this for a while. It's been written for a few days, though it's been on my mind much longer. I put it out there because maybe someone out there in blogger world might have some encouraging thoughts. And because I admire so many other bloggers who manage to "keep it real"- not just 'happy-smiley-every-day-is-a-fairytale' kind of blogs. So, here is my reality...}

If you're a regular reader of the blog... I've alluded to it.

If you know me in real life... You're probably well aware.

Xandra & I have been butting heads lately.

Clashing.

Arguing about every little thing.

Every day.

20..30..50 times a day.

I hate it.

I abhor the parent I've become to her.

I need to change.

Every morning, starts virtually the same.

Xandra wakes, and seems to get lost.

She'll stand at the top of the steps, or the middle, and just look & act lost.

This is where it begins.

"Xandra, either come down or go back up. Either way, find a bathroom & use it before you have another accident!"

Yes, she's nearly 6 years old, and continues to wear pull-ups at night.

Because she needs them. 

Sort of.

Mostly, it is my belief that she's lazy. Or maybe she has that disorder where she forgets everything when she goes to sleep.

I don't say that to be mean. I say it because I honestly don't have any other explanation.

She will wake up, get out of bed to turn on her light, get back in bed, and use her pull-up to its fullest potential.

She cannot seem to bring herself to use the restroom in the morning.

Now, to be sure, there have been plenty of days that she has woken & stayed dry.

Just not consistently.

But that's just one portion of our problem. 

I know that she and I are way too much alike. I've known it for a very long time. Years.

I cringed when I saw her beginning to mirror my mannerisms.

I knew. I knew I was too sarcastic. 

But, I can't seem to help myself. 

And I have passed that lack of self-control on to Xandra, as well.

It's not fair to her, the parent I've become to her.

Every morning, we begin our day with an argument. 

And it usually escalates from there. 

Matt hates it. 

I hate it. 

Xandra hates it. 

I think Milo just figures it's normal. 

Which is sad.

And I'm ashamed.

I'm a yeller. There. I said it.

My blood pressure boils. I feel my heart pounding. 

And it takes way too long for me to calm back down.

At which point, I always apologize. 

But I'm apologizing way too often. 

Because I'm getting that angry way too often.

Something needs to change.
I need to change.
I need to be better.
A better parent. A better person.
I need to control my out-of-control temper.
Because I see it forming in my precious little girl.
And that's the last thing in the world I want.
She's better than that. I would hope that I'm better than that.
But, so far, I'm not.

My shortcomings.
My failings.
As a person.
More importantly as a parent.
I want to change.
I want to be better.
For them.
For myself.
I just wish I knew how...